unknownseas | I tried to get through to you

I tried to get through to you

[You know what that was? A fiasco. That was an utter fiasco. Three more people gone on a chance that may not happen! This is horrible. Even if some people dislike her, Rhea... is up to the challenge once more. This time she does it nearly herself: writing out the invitations, ordering the food and telling everyone to meet at the bar. In Ema's honor, of course.

She hands out the invitations herself and if she can't find you, she'll slide yours under your door.]

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[There we go.]

Like I said. Something's broken in there. I don't really claim to know what.

[ Well, this takes another moment to digest. ]

Do you... [ She stops, frowning in concentration. ] ...It's not like that with everything...is it?

I'm not too sure I'm following.

[He's kind of a piece of work tonight but he's trying.]

You can ask me straight-out. You're not going to offend me.

When you...ask how I'm feeling, or...offer to do something to make someone feel better. When you see one of us...having a bad time. Does it feel good? Or...does it have to be something you directly caused?

You want to know how much I mean it. When I do stuff like offering to spend time with you because I know you don't want to be alone, stuff like that. You want to know if I'm doing it because I'm actually trying to help or because I'm getting off on your misery, is that it?

[Despite his wording, it doesn't sound harsh? It's certainly a hell of a clarification, but there's nothing cruel in his tone.]

If it were just a matter of enjoying your pain, I'd be going out of my way to hurt you. I wouldn't be waiting around for something else to cause it, and I wouldn't do anything to make you feel better about it. If I didn't have any interest in trying, I honestly wouldn't bother. But I like you, so I do.

Don't get me wrong, I like what I do. And "what I do" is often really unpleasant. But I do mean it when I'm spending time with you. As much as I mean anything, anyway.

[ There's a bit of a pause, from after all that. But, when she responds, she doesn't sound any more tired than she already did before. So, maybe that's something positive. ]

Is that what you meant? ...About the kind of person you are, and how...I wouldn't want to help you? [ A quick clarification: ] You don't have to answer that, if you don't want to. But...if that's part of it.

No. I don't feel guilty about it, and I sort of figured it's a pretty badly-kept secret by now. People don't act like I do if they're all there.

I also have a hard time thinking you would want me to die because my feelings don't work like everyone else's. Am I wrong about that?

[ She shakes her head. There isn't any hesitation. ]

You're not. That's... You're still the same man who talked with me about parenthood. Who...had a crisis at the idea of his daughter's fondest wish being granted. Who listened when I talked about... About my regrets. ...You still told me very, very truly that you didn't want to die.

[ And- and she shakes her head again. ]

I wouldn't want you to die, William. This doesn't change that.

I thought as much.

[He shrugs a little.]

You can still come to me about stuff if you want. I won't promise that I always get it; I think you've noticed by now that whatever I'm trying to do, the whole empathy thing doesn't really work. I don't mind it, though; if I minded it, I wouldn't offer. But it's fine if it weirds you out at this point and you don't feel like it.

...It may seem weird, but... Even with all this. You're still one of the people I feel most comfortable talking about these things to. Especially...

[ She breathes in deep, for a moment. ]

Especially with Ema gone.

...Yeah. I didn't talk to her as much as some others, but I told her about what happened.

[The whole being shot thing.]

She was a good person.

She...left a letter for me. Did she leave one for you? That seems like the kind of thing she would've done.

...Yeah, she did.

...You don't have to say anything, about what was in it. Mine was...personal. I just... She really was a good person. I'm going to miss her.

...Yeah. It was pretty personal on my end, too.

[...]

You know I wouldn't have...done anything Nova was talking about, right?

[You know, going on about feeding Ema to sharks pretty much for the hell of it.]

[ She catches on pretty fast- ]

I know. ...Even if you...don't feel the same way, that- ...I know... That just sounded cruel. Too far. ...I knew the whole time it wasn't you. Not like that.

...I appreciate it.

[And he does seem to.]

I get what she was trying to do. And if she wants to hate me for whatever reason, then I don't care. Stuff like that never matters to me; let people think what they want.

As long as you get that I wouldn't have done that.

Of course I do. It... [ She breathes in, and it...it sounds angry. ] It was over the line for her to say that. She... She was an incredibly angry person. So much that she took out her problems on other people.

[ And, she sighs. ]

...I still wish I didn't have to...bring up all that. [ The motive. The...talk with Angel. ] To force her hand.

...I actually do get it. That got pretty intense, and it was pretty much dragging all her issues out in front of God and everyone. It's like the voting, where it was necessary, but you're not going to like doing it.

[Mm.]

This place is...it's designed to break us down. Voting that's engineered to make it feel like it's our fault when people die, no time to really process anything that's going on. It's messing with our sense of time, even. To say nothing of how it's in our best interests to play nice and be compassionate, but in the end we really can't afford to be because of how everything works.

You can't afford be entirely mercenary, but being entirely compassionate is going to get to you. It's not an easy balance to strike.

...She was the one who said it, that the voting...it's a choice. We could've all chosen otherwise. When I tried to explain why it wasn't for me, why... I need to get back to my family, to...let my kids grow up with a mom, not...take myself away from them again-- well. She flipped out. Started talking about...how it's always other people's families. Assumed I wouldn't get it, that...because I was upset with Lif, I didn't understand wanting to do everything for them.

[ She doesn't quite know why she's dredging this up. But it's been in her head, ever since. ]

We didn't really come to an agreement. I tried. I told her I'd want to...to find another way. If she'd talked about what she wanted... I would've tried with her too. But I don't think she would really believe that. I don't think she believed...anyone could be on her side.

Maybe she didn't. Either way, I wouldn't say that the voting is a choice - yeah, I get that ethics or whatever say that you should always be willing to die before killing another person, but this isn't exactly a sterile situation in a controlled environment where we can afford to do that.

[Even less so for some of them than it is for others.]

Look, I get that her situation was upsetting. But she also tried to kill us all on purpose. I don't think that doing what we had to was a worse choice than her trying to do any of what she did.

Oh, of course not. That's not even an argument. It just doesn't feel great, knowing I'll never be able to convince her that...not everyone was out to get her. On top of, you know. The time travel thing.

I know I can't convince everyone to...stick together. That's not possible. But... [ She shrugs and sighs. ] I'm probably not making sense.

You know it's not possible, but you want to save everyone anyway. Or at least as many as we can.

[It's not really a question.]

...Yeah. You got it.

...I'd tell you it's going to be okay, or that it's going to work out, but the truth is that I don't know that. I want to think that we'll figure something out, but I don't know that for sure, either.

But I want to get as many out of here alive as possible. And I want to look out for you, okay? This is all a lot, but I'll do what I can to get you through this.

I tried to get through to you

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