I have died every day waiting for you

[lovelikeyou]

[That was, in Rose's opinion, even worse than last week. Any loss of life is an awful waste, but for it all to come of some horrible accident...

This week, she doesn't retreat back to her room. She knows now that the people here, or at least enough of them, like to gather after these experiences. Many of the Crystal Gems were the same way; she remembers their post-battle huddles well. It's not a party, really, but...it's good to be together. To have friends around. Maybe, to remember those who were lost.

So this time, she'll go to the cafeteria herself and request some food for everyone. It's just basic snacks, the kind of human food she knows well enough to ask for. There's some hot chocolate provided, too. She definitely knows people enjoy that. It doesn't take too long, since she isn't making most of it, and then she goes to invite everybody she can find.

She doesn't slip any notes underneath doors, for the people she doesn't happen across. Some Crystal Gems didn't join the groups, or maybe did after one battle but not another. Sometimes they wanted to be alone. She never really understood that...but it wasn't her place to tell them otherwise. Weren't they all about freedom?

Everybody probably knows something like this is going to happen again, anyway. It's their choice to come.]

Comments

[philoxenia]

[ ... well that sucked!

The first thing she does is go to Alice's room, where she picks up the items there... and she spends a while just letting herself cry. Little wonder she turns up to the gathering later than she normally would, but she has that letter in hand. She places it on a table for people to read, if they wish. She considers the snacks, and eats something just because she knows she should.

After that, though, she goes to the art room, but she sort of just... sits there. If anyone comes in, she's not tackling the portraits just yet, even though she's got the supplies ready and nearby; she's... writing, instead, on the notepad she's been carrying since day one. ]

[archboxer]

[There's.. someone outside the art room who doesn't quite go in, not yet. In fact they walk right by before they come back. It's Rhea, presumably seeing if the chapel has been cleaned up.

She looks... a mess, honestly, considering she just came from the gym in her fancy gown but y'know.]

...Mira, are you doing alright?

[Time to do mom duties before sinking back into anger about something only she really cares about.]

[philoxenia]

[ She's... certainly trying. Mira looks up from whatever she's writing, and she turns it over on the table. ]

... As well as I can be, I suppose.

[ So... not at all. Her eyes are pretty red, anyway. ]

[archboxer]

Good. That's good.

[Her own eyes aren't red but she's... tired. She has no intention of sleeping tonight.]

Do you need some company?

[philoxenia]

[ Ain't that a mood. ]

It's-- [ ... she's about to say it's okay, but. ] ... I'd like that a lot.

[archboxer]

Then I will stay.

[She sits down next to Mira but she's not exactly as eager to comfort as she normally is.]

Forgive me if my words fail me, Mira.

[philoxenia]

[ Immediately, she shakes her head. ]

No, I-- I don't blame you. [ .... ] No one can know what to say all the time. Just... your being here is more than enough.

[archboxer]

Thank you.

[...]

I did not think I was being so disagreeable when I mentioned the profiles. [Again! Why did it happen again?]

[philoxenia]

I don't think you were.

[ .... ]

Then again... I don't trust him at all. I think it would be the type of thing he would pull, to raise suspicion among us. [ a pause. ] ... It seems that isn't the case, at the very least.

... But I certainly wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to say the information isn't accurate, especially if they want to keep their secrets.

[archboxer]

Some might say that keeping secrets is unneeded in this place.

[RIN]

Regardless... we survive to another day. [...] Ah, may I ask a question?

[philoxenia]

Mm. ... We do.

[ She sounds... tired. And not particularly happy. But she nods. ]

Of course. What is it?

[archboxer]

You were writing in your notebook... May I ask what?

[Change of subject, maybe?]

[philoxenia]

Oh, um...

[ Well, she can't be truthful here, can she? ]

I'm mostly just... getting my thoughts out. It helps, to write them down.

[archboxer]

I see.

[Hm. Secrets breed secrets. Oh well.]

You do not have to say, then. We all have our ways to cope with this situation.

[philoxenia]

... Thank you.

[ But... ]

I think... in time, I'll be able to say it. But right now... it's easier to write to my brother and tell him.

[archboxer]

Oh, of course. I know the feeling.

[Ah. It's like that, is it? Besides...]

Sometimes I still talk with Mother.

[philoxenia]

Really?

[ The wound is still fresh, but... it's easy to talk with Rhea. Even about this. ]

... It's comforting, isn't it?

[archboxer]

She is with the Goddess now but I cannot help myself, at times.

[She slips it in her prayers.]

It is. Even if they no longer are with us... sometimes, especially in times like these, it helps soothes even an old wound.

[philoxenia]

... Mm. It really does.

[ a pause. ]

... It doesn't get easier, does it? Losing someone.

[archboxer]

[... She wonders if Mira was paying attention during that age talk.]

No. Some move on better than others given enough time but... it is never easy. Anyone who says otherwise is either a fool or a liar.

[philoxenia]

[ It's been a rough couple days, Rhea. ]

... If anything, they're trying to fool themselves... if it's easier that way.

[archboxer]

[She knows... She hasn't slept since Sunday.]

Everyone has their own ways of handling grief. Some hide themselves away from the world. Some cling closer to what they have... some simply grow angry with the world and distance themselves from everything. None of these reactions are easy.

gathering

[hardnosed]

[ She manages to miss Mira in Alice's room, and truly, thank god, because the last thing anyone needs while having a good cry is for Jasper to show up — but later, in the cafeteria, she approaches her. ]

I'm not drinking this. [ And she sets down a mug of hot chocolate weirdly browner than usual tea on the table with a thud. Unnecessarily, she adds: ] It's warm.

[ With her hands free, she snatches the paper up and holds it at face level. Her eyes narrow, but she kind of has to squint to read all the stupid tiny words anyway; otherwise, there's no shift in expression. ]

Looks like you beat me there.

[philoxenia]

Oh-- Are you sure?

[ Of course she's sure, but... Mira draws in a breath as she watches Jasper read the letter. She looks away, then reaches for the mug and just kind of wraps her hands around it. ]

She... gave me her room key. It's the first place I went, after all of that.

[hardnosed]

Hn.

[ Is what she says, because there's nothing to say — or, more accurately, nothing Jasper can say.

I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But I did, and I’m gone now, so there’s not much else I can do except implore you all not to let this happen again.

She makes one of her tch noises, but it's very low, almost under her breath. It's going to happen again. She doesn't say that. ]

I figured she might have left something behind — after the way it happened. [ And now she's reading the instructions for Mira. Sure enough, it all checks out. Whether or not she was trying to win, the larger part of Alice must have known she wouldn't make it out of the trial alive. ] She really trusted you.