Captain on deck

[bathymetric]

At the stroke of midnight, amidst the burst of dozens of colorful lights in the sky, the device in your pocket rumbles faintly with a reminder to head down to the theatre. You wouldn't want to leave your captain or first mate hanging, would you?

The doors have finally unlocked, and as you head in, you find... a rather nicely decorated little theater. The red curtains obscuring the big screen draw back, revealing three simple words in huge font.

Have a seat.

As soon as everyone is seated, the lights dim, leaving the group in almost complete darkness until the big screen flares to life. Jaunty music starts to pour in through speakers surrounding the room as the big screen plays clips of grand cruise liners sailing through sunny tropics.

"Atlantic Liners," says a voice, slightly automated to a discerning ear but definitely male. "We look to the future while remembering the past. That's why even our top of the line ships carry that nineties charm while having the best luxuries money can buy."

How charming and debonair. But isn't this commercial trying to... sell you on a cruise you're already on?

"Hey there, passengers! It's me, your lovable captain of the SS Swift. How is everyone doing tonight on this fabulous New Year's day?"

Is the voiceover referring to you? Well, that just raises further questions.

"I'd like to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for joining me tonight as we cruise through these lovely Atlantic seas. And to welcome you all, not just to our eventual destination in the Bahamas, but also..."

The screen flashes, switching from soft sunsets to harsh, burning flames.

"To your doom!"

One second passes. Two. Three.

"...Your doom!"

Has it been a minute? Does anyone have a watch?

"Your doo-Okay, that should have been cue for the ceiling-mounted flamethrowers. Why are they not charbroiled by now? Can you tell me that much? No? Fantastic. You're useless."

A sigh, clearly frustrated. Without a speck of that earlier charm. The lights in the theatre rise back to clearly visible levels. 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' pops up on the big screen with a picture of a monkey wearing a hard hat next to a burning television.

"Okay, this is just as awkward for me as it probably is for you, ssssso! Questions? Concerns? Anyone tried the margaritas yet?"

Comments

[jibunwo]

Your intimidation tactics need work.

[if he was in charge the flamethrowers would have at least sparked a little.]

[bathymetric]

"Thanks, yup. That's really what I need right now. Stomping on my feelings like this."

[jibunwo]

If you wish to strike fear into the hearts of the innocent, I advise you not to bother. You're better served getting to the point of the purpose for all this. Surely you can not be foolish enough to have brought us all to such an elaborate setting merely to set us aflame.

[bathymetric]

Well, obviously I WOULD love to get straight to the point like I hoped. But, well.... Where's the fun in that, you know?

I could tell you why, but why should I? Just because this didn't work doesn't mean I don't have a plan B.

[jibunwo]

You've made it abundantly clear you want us dead, but why? And more to the point, what's your next step?

[bathymetric]

See, everyone keeps asking why, but why spoil the surprise? Because now, it's a surprise, and only I know why.

So what you need to know is the next step is letting you all... Enjoy all the luxuries and amenities that the SS Swift has to offer! Eventually.

And instead of killing you all at once, you're gonna be doing it yourself. To each other.

[jibunwo]

...Excuse me?

[bathymetric]

Why don't you go and take a look at your little device there. You're probably going to see something new.

[Sure enough, there's a brand new section that wasn't there before.]

Cranked that out in a hot minute.

[jibunwo]

[cool, so this just went from bad to worse.]

Setting aside the obvious madness of all this for a moment, what's the meaning of this fifth rule?

[bathymetric]

[Isn't that just life?]

Oh I'm so glad you asked. Segue!

You know how there's a first mate on this ship? Well, I suppose it's time I let him make his entrance. He'll be overseeing your stay here just as much as I will. And, it turns out... You know, he's not as much of a people person as I am, but how about I let him speak for himself?

[The doors to the theatre softly unlock...]

Why don't you come say hello, big guy? Ooh, and don't forget the line!

[onlyyoucan]

Something --

[She checks the phone and goes pale.

"How many people before he's satisfied?"]

...

[paucipan]

[...Yeah, Plum's gonna be struggling with her device for a hot minute before coming across all of this bullshit, and her face fucking contorts something fierce.]

Is this some kind of sick joke? That you're just gonna put this on us now that your stupid little plan has failed?

[Plumeria's like, at the very least making sure to keep Lady Freyja in sight. This is fucking awful???]

[bathymetric]

Hey, look at the bright side, maybe you'll win a fabulous prize if you come out on top!

[scouserer]

Forever's a long time, friend. You think you can last that long?

[bathymetric]

Oh, believe me. The way this works out? I've got all the time in the world.

[hellahighwater]

Hey, what the fuck?

[ Chloe's been trying to go with the flow. If this is where fate's dropping her, fine. She'd been prepared for something awful.

But...not this. ]

You've gotta be fucking kidding me— Hey, Captain, you're a sore loser, get your head out of your ass before I put your balls in a vice!

[sharddrive]

[Well. That's not great.]

...So are you watching and listening all the time? Creepy.

[ahelpingpaw]

...you can't expect this to really work like you think it will!

[Filbo isn't really one to get angry, but he sounds exasperated. This is getting kind of dumb, really]

[guffawsungraciously]

[...hang on he's trying to-

...

PFFFFFT HAHAHAHAAHA]

Oh, I am sure you will have us all lining up to take the first shot at one another. Truly, there is no way this will not work out for you!

[dokkalfheimr]

[Hmmmm...

She takes a moment to look over the rules, and to look over the...the whatever the fuck the first mate is, before just- ]

Do these rules apply to everyone on board...?

[conceivesfrenzy]

[ im just going to assume she's eventually figured out her device bc there's only so much of that that i can handle – ]

What, just because your dumb plan didn't work, you're going to make us do the hard work instead? Could you be literally any lazier?

[ Pot, meet kettle. ]

[cethflayn]

[Guess who still operates a phone like an elderly person

(I mean it's been an hour at most, what do you expect)]

...You have a horrible sense of humor.

[And that's all she has to say about that.]

[leaveittomother]

After all this is over, my dear Captain, I want you to meet my darling daughter. I'm sure it'll be a laugh for everyone.

[Even if she's smiling, that definitely is a threat.]

[ignobel]

[It took her a while to work up a response, possibly due to the absolute absurdity of everything, and that's coming from somebody who pilots a robot to punch other robots in front of a dude who eats pocky from a wine glass.]

....... Just so you know, I'm way more useful alive than dead. I'm pretty sure that goes for a lot of people here, too. Kind of a waste, if you ask me. Also, really bad service. And messed up.

[Her priorities, ladies and gents. There's a huff that says she genuinely isn't pleased with this despite her attitude. You can practically see the spinny loading wheel thing happening.]

Doesn't sound to me like you put a whole lot of thought into planning this...

[sivard]

What.