Captain on deck

[bathymetric]

At the stroke of midnight, amidst the burst of dozens of colorful lights in the sky, the device in your pocket rumbles faintly with a reminder to head down to the theatre. You wouldn't want to leave your captain or first mate hanging, would you?

The doors have finally unlocked, and as you head in, you find... a rather nicely decorated little theater. The red curtains obscuring the big screen draw back, revealing three simple words in huge font.

Have a seat.

As soon as everyone is seated, the lights dim, leaving the group in almost complete darkness until the big screen flares to life. Jaunty music starts to pour in through speakers surrounding the room as the big screen plays clips of grand cruise liners sailing through sunny tropics.

"Atlantic Liners," says a voice, slightly automated to a discerning ear but definitely male. "We look to the future while remembering the past. That's why even our top of the line ships carry that nineties charm while having the best luxuries money can buy."

How charming and debonair. But isn't this commercial trying to... sell you on a cruise you're already on?

"Hey there, passengers! It's me, your lovable captain of the SS Swift. How is everyone doing tonight on this fabulous New Year's day?"

Is the voiceover referring to you? Well, that just raises further questions.

"I'd like to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for joining me tonight as we cruise through these lovely Atlantic seas. And to welcome you all, not just to our eventual destination in the Bahamas, but also..."

The screen flashes, switching from soft sunsets to harsh, burning flames.

"To your doom!"

One second passes. Two. Three.

"...Your doom!"

Has it been a minute? Does anyone have a watch?

"Your doo-Okay, that should have been cue for the ceiling-mounted flamethrowers. Why are they not charbroiled by now? Can you tell me that much? No? Fantastic. You're useless."

A sigh, clearly frustrated. Without a speck of that earlier charm. The lights in the theatre rise back to clearly visible levels. 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' pops up on the big screen with a picture of a monkey wearing a hard hat next to a burning television.

"Okay, this is just as awkward for me as it probably is for you, ssssso! Questions? Concerns? Anyone tried the margaritas yet?"

Comments

[magycks]

Oh, did you miss the mechanical hedgehog? He's right over there.

[oceangirlfriend]

Of course I saw him. But it's humans who are supposed to go straight to murder as solutions for their problems. What made you like this?

[magycks]

Who made me?

[ There's a dark flash of open offense in her face, and then a still darker look that Adeline will probably soon be able to identify as "seeing an opportunity to start monologuing", before she abandons that train of thought and immediately dips back down into a conversational register. ]

Right, this is another dimensional thing, forget it.

[oceangirlfriend]

A "dimensional" thing? What exactly do you mean by that? [Adeline's tail is lifted up and lashing slightly from side to side in frustrated confusion, now.]

[magycks]

[ okay so for her that's actually pretty close to face-whipping height and that's concerning— ]

Honestly, think for a second. Do you see that on anyone else? [ There is literally a hole in her dress for her tailfeathers and she is not going to acknowledge that or treat it as strange at all, she's just going to blithely continue, ] I mean, it's obvious none of you have met a duck before, possibly excluding the automaton and that... thing over there.

[oceangirlfriend]

Well, not your kind of duck specifically, but I'm certainly familiar with all sorts of monsters. I wouldn't be surprised if there were ducks among them.

[magycks]

[ Sigh. ]

Well, there's your problem. I'm not a monster who's a duck. I'm a duck who happens to be a monster.

[oceangirlfriend]

...what's the distinction, there? [She doesn't sound particularly self-deprecating about calling herself a monster, at least.]

[magycks]

I command the creeping shadows, bend the cosmos to my whim, and decimate anyone who stands in my way. [ a normal tone of voice again: ] Ducks are ducks.

[oceangirlfriend]

[...] So you're the only...duck with that kind of power?

[magycks]

Oh, for — I'm just saying I'm evil, okay?

[oceangirlfriend]

Really? [That gets a somewhat incredulous look. Adeline can't help but consider nonhumans much more inherently good-natured, so all she can see right now is more of an edgy chuuni attitude.] And this isn't part of your schemes in any way?

[magycks]

[ A brief, offended gasp! ]

Obviously not! Not a one of my nemeses present in this group of randos, flamethrowers of non-infernal origin... wood paneling? This is amateur hour.

[oceangirlfriend]

...do you have any reason to suspect this person may be one of those "nemeses" you mentioned?

[Look, just because she's calling herself a wicked sorceress doesn't mean she can have nemeses who are also evil.]

[magycks]

[ in a very low voice ]

... oh no. No no no. Not him.

[oceangirlfriend]

...which "him" are you thinking about, here?

1/2 i'm so sorry

[magycks]

He knows who he is. And if I find he had a hand in any of this...

[ oh no she's standing up ]

HEAR ME, FLINTHEART GLOMGOLD! I WILL THROTTLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN FAKE BEARD, ABANDON YOUR CORPSE TO THE SEABIRDS, AND SIP A REFRESHINGING POOLSIDE COCKTAIL AS I WATCH THE SUN BLEACH YOUR IDIOT BONES.

[magycks]

... No, but really, this is actually much too competent.

[oceangirlfriend]

So he's the kind to end up just setting himself on fire?

[magycks]

Not quite. He'd also turn the intercom on by accident while trying to put the fire out, spill water everywhere, thereby shorting out the vocal modulator and revealing his true identity to the masses, and then leap directly into the ocean as he curses us all.

[oceangirlfriend]

Well then, I suppose we're beyond the point where that would have happened, by now. Though it seems like a bit of a shame that this can't be resolved so easily as that.