I have died every day waiting for you

[lovelikeyou]

[That was, in Rose's opinion, even worse than last week. Any loss of life is an awful waste, but for it all to come of some horrible accident...

This week, she doesn't retreat back to her room. She knows now that the people here, or at least enough of them, like to gather after these experiences. Many of the Crystal Gems were the same way; she remembers their post-battle huddles well. It's not a party, really, but...it's good to be together. To have friends around. Maybe, to remember those who were lost.

So this time, she'll go to the cafeteria herself and request some food for everyone. It's just basic snacks, the kind of human food she knows well enough to ask for. There's some hot chocolate provided, too. She definitely knows people enjoy that. It doesn't take too long, since she isn't making most of it, and then she goes to invite everybody she can find.

She doesn't slip any notes underneath doors, for the people she doesn't happen across. Some Crystal Gems didn't join the groups, or maybe did after one battle but not another. Sometimes they wanted to be alone. She never really understood that...but it wasn't her place to tell them otherwise. Weren't they all about freedom?

Everybody probably knows something like this is going to happen again, anyway. It's their choice to come.]

Comments

[nothingcanstop]

Thinking too much... Used to do that. Hate it. Too much.

[ A moment and she asks: ] How'd you...why's it different now? What made you stop smashing everything in sight?

[fivestagegod]

...Couldn't really afford to be like that anymore, is what it comes down to.

[nothingcanstop]

Was kind of afraid that'd be the answer. [ She sighs. ] Well, a shift in priorities does...wonders for your personal growth, doesn't it?

[fivestagegod]

That's one way of putting it, I guess.

[...]

That place I was working for, the deathtrap-based corporation. They weren't really big on people making liabilities of themselves.

[...So. Yeah.]

[nothingcanstop]

[ For the first time, she actually sort of...turns, to try and look at him. ]

Did something happen? ...Something specific?

[fivestagegod]

[He shrugs; he's going kind of weird and flippant again, actually.]

A lot of things happened. It's probably easier to count all the things that didn't. I guess I can tell you a few things if you want to know, though.

[nothingcanstop]

[ Oh, well, there's that. ]

You don't have to if you don't want to, just... I don't know. If we're sharing.

[ ... ]

When I was young, and naive, and reckless... I got myself standard on the moon. For ten years.

[fivestagegod]

...How does one...manage that, exactly.

[nothingcanstop]

Launching off in an unfinished rocket, for a stupid joyride. [ ... ] Before my kids even hatched.

[fivestagegod]

...Well, that would explain the lack of desire to be alone, I guess.

[It's kind of..."that's rough, buddy", but if she hasn't noticed that Birkin is sort of low-empathy by now then she's never going to, honestly.]

So that's what you meant when you were talking about still figuring out how to be a parent to them, huh?

[nothingcanstop]

[ Despite it all, she snorts and chokes out a laugh. ]

Yeah, that's the long and short of it.

[ She drops her head into one of her hands and slowly removes her goggles. Safety first, at least? ]

All I thought about, every day, was getting back to them. And it was--it was horrible, but I had something to do. Something to push myself at. Whether it was rebuilding the damn rocket or learning how to.

[ Instead of, you know. Getting a whole bunch of shit and just smashing it. ]

[fivestagegod]

I can imagine, yeah.

[...]

That friend of mine that I talk about sometimes. He got killed by that corporation we worked at. He tried to run, they killed him. They covered it up and made it look like an accident.

He wanted me to go with him. When he...left. I told him I couldn't do that - my research meant too much to me, and I didn't know what his plan even was. If he was going to try to see his last assignment through first, or if he was just going to run or what. I kept an eye on him for as long as he was on the premises - one of our supervisors caught him but I was able to distract the guy from a distance; my friend bolted.

He didn't get out of the compound, he died a couple miles off.

[nothingcanstop]

When you said you were going to tell them you were leaving...

[ Her mouth feels dry. She pulls both legs up, so she's leaning against her knees. ]

...Do you... Do you wish you'd gone with him? Or...something?

[fivestagegod]

I don't know. I stand by what I said, my research was too important to me. And logically I'm pretty sure I would have been a liability for him, even though he never said it and I doubt he would have thought it if I'd gone. So we'd both be dead right now, not just him.

But yeah, I'm not exactly handing in my own resignation upfront, either.

[nothingcanstop]

A regret with no clear...what you could've done differently.

[ She taps her organic foot on the floor, and it brushes against some of the wood shards she's left all around. ]

...Is that worse or better than a clear mistake?

[fivestagegod]

Good question.

[Mm.]

I don't really let myself dwell on it too much. Honestly, I'm more pissed off at him for going and getting himself killed.

[nothingcanstop]

...He's the one who charged off, right... What about the corporation? Are you mad at them too?

[fivestagegod]

...I'm mad at them for a lot of reasons.

[nothingcanstop]

Sounds about right, with what you've mentioned.

[ ... ]

I'm sorry, by the way. About your friend. I hadn't... I really am.

[fivestagegod]

...It's okay. It happens sometimes in places like that.

[...]

There's something else I might want to mention, but I need you to promise me something first.

[nothingcanstop]

[ That's a surprising caveat. ]

Promise what?

[fivestagegod]

Don't tell anyone. And I mean it, I don't want this getting out among anybody here.

[nothingcanstop]

[ ... ]

Okay.

[fivestagegod]

...Like I said, my resignation isn't exactly being handed in upfront. I've sold my work to the government, I wanted to have...something set up for when I left, instead of just leaving it up to chance. Some sort of security.

The corporation found out. Right before I came here, they...uh.

[Something in his expression definitely shifts, then; he's smirking quite a bit, but it's not the usual overconfident expression he gets often. This is...something else entirely. More like he has no real idea what to do with his face.]

They really don't like it when people leave. You know?

[Yeah.]

You remember during that first meeting, I told Nira that at least some of us were brought somewhere else? To have stuff done to us? I know that because last I remember, I was being shot.

[Yeah.]

I was being shot a whole lot, actually.

1/2

[nothingcanstop]

[ Oh.

Oh, Jesus Duck Christ. ]