Della Duck (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nothingcanstop) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
unknownseas2020-05-16 03:57 pm
nothingcanstop) wrote in unknownseas2020-05-16 03:57 pm
hey mom, dead mom, i need a little help here
[ ...All of that happened, huh. That's the sentiment each and every week, and it's no different this time. Except, this time they've lost more people than before. Five.
The gathering invitation is slipped under everyone's doors, but it specifies something a little different. ]
[ That's a good two hours or so of difference. Enough time to wander around, for sure.
But, in the garden, at the appointed time, there's a variable arrangement of fresh-cooked food. A good amount of beef stew, some Chinese hot pot, and...watermelon? Just, an absurd amount of watermelon, cut up and set on plates. All the food's set on tables that seem to have been moved from the library, and the ground is littered with blankets, for those who don't want to sit on the grass.
And yes, she did not lie. There is, indeed, a variable fuckton of alcohol. (And coffee, for our underaged.)
This has become routine. But, we're still here. We're still alive. ]
The gathering invitation is slipped under everyone's doors, but it specifies something a little different. ]
[ That's a good two hours or so of difference. Enough time to wander around, for sure.
But, in the garden, at the appointed time, there's a variable arrangement of fresh-cooked food. A good amount of beef stew, some Chinese hot pot, and...watermelon? Just, an absurd amount of watermelon, cut up and set on plates. All the food's set on tables that seem to have been moved from the library, and the ground is littered with blankets, for those who don't want to sit on the grass.
And yes, she did not lie. There is, indeed, a variable fuckton of alcohol. (And coffee, for our underaged.)
This has become routine. But, we're still here. We're still alive. ]
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It's not the first time I've had it happen; I've seen it before, I've talked about it with Al. You get sentiments like this sometimes - people being nice to you, people in the civilian sector wanting to be your goddamn friend - but none of it's real, none of it's for you. It's just for the person everyone thinks you are. Once people learn anything about what you actually are, you're fucked.
You ever tried living like that, Della? You can have anything you want, but none of it's yours. Not really. It's for some other person everyone sees when they look at you. It gets old real fast.
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[ The tone to her voice, it’s gotten...increasingly tired, increasingly soft. Maybe an outburst would be better. But she can’t seem to manage one right now. ]
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[His words are shaking rather violently; not in a way that sounds like he's going to snap at her again, just in a way that indicates laughing and crying are alarmingly close to becoming the same thing and he's barely keeping a handle on not doing either.]
I don't know what I want. Does that make you feel any better? I don't fucking know. I guess I want to - I want to get rid of all of you, so maybe you'll stop looking at me like that. I'm tired of your fucking sadness and sympathy and everything else - just leave me to die if I can't handle things, that's how this shit works.
[He's handled things on his own before; he often has to. If not...well. He knows what happens if he can't, too.]
I just want this to fucking stop, and I want you to know so you'll knock it the hell off, and I want these people to be alive again - [more...agitated gesturing toward the letters] - and let me tell you, that's a brand new feeling and it's almost impressively intolerable... I'm just done with this. All of it. I no longer care what happens, do what you want.
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...I don’t like [ while soft, her voice holds a strained aspect, as she stumbles over each word ] being told what to feel.
I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want. [ There’s a remarkable...almost bitter quality to what she says. Like she doesn’t want it to be there. ] But I won’t leave you to die. ...You should probably know well enough by now that you can’t just turn off the way you feel about someone. No matter how much you might want to.
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You don't feel that way about me. That's the point. But I know you'll do what you want. I'm not going to try to stop you.
Stay if you want. I don't really care.
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Last week, when I asked how much you meant it. How much was genuine, when we talk, not about...anything from before. But here. Was that a lie?
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He's just quiet for a long time after that's out there. Not trying to come up with something convincing to say - honestly, it'd probably be more of an issue if he could answer right away - but trying to figure out if he wants to answer at all.]
No. It wasn't.
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Not the guy who devoted his life to saving humanity. Not the guy who sounded like an ethical, upstanding fellow, wronged by his superiors. Yeah, I liked talking about your family. Hearing about the things you were good at. But it didn't shape why I kept talking to you.
How much of an idiot do you think I am, William? I've seen you at the trials. Even before you explained that your sadistic tendencies [ ah she knows the word ] I knew something didn't add up.
[ One of her hands has found its way to her pocket again, and she runs her fingers over the edges of the letter Rose left behind. Apologies, apologies, assumptions. It's...tiring. It's all very tiring. Even for someone with boundless optimism (by necessity), like Della. ]
But you can't just turn off the way you feel. However much was a lie, the parts that weren't...I liked those. I still do. It doesn't make sense. But, it just is.
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In fairness, my superiors did wrong the hell out of me. Multiple times. Looks like they succeeded in what they were trying to do this last time, given the whole bleeding out on the floor problem.
[JUST SAYING.]
You know I'm going to be blunt with you whether you really want me to or not. So yeah, I think you're an idiot, actually. Not because of what you did or didn't know, but because I'm straight-out telling you that I murder people and you're telling me that that's all right because you like me as a person. There is something seriously fucked up about that, if you ask me.
But I'm still on your side for the time being, whether anyone actually wants me to be or not, so it's probably for the best, I guess.
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Never did I say that's alright. I'm just not scolding you because I think we both know that would accomplish nothing. You're not beholden to anything I say or feel, and I doubt any disapproval or...or outright disgust would change anything.
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I know what the normal reaction to that should be. I know what your reaction to that should be. All you're doing by trying not to have it is making me jumpy, and nobody likes that.
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Fine. It sickens me. That you've done things just as bad...or worse than the Professor, that every single time I expressed what I thought about him, I should've been applying that to you too. I'm... I'm furious, just thinking about how many lives you've probably ruined, and how it just doesn't matter. [ Her hands, curled to fists, tremble so intensely it spreads all the way up her arms. ] And that you're goading me into saying all this, like it'll help anything, like it's what I want to be doing after Anna, and Rhea, and Rose--
[ She breaks off, shoulders shaking, eyes still closed. ]
...Is that it? [ Her voice cracks. ] Does this make you feel better?
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This isn't about what either of us want anymore, or what's going to make us feel better. Because some things just aren't salvageable with enough determination and a can-do attitude. Because Anna was right, and some of us broke a long time ago, and there's no fixing that.
[He's quiet for a moment, though. Trying to gather thoughts.]
I want to hear your actual thoughts about this because I can't...do anything about it if I don't know. I don't want this to be something you keep to yourself and have to keep quiet about in front of everyone else, because Mira's dealt with enough shit for eight people today and everyone else is also varying shades of broken because we lost five goddamn people today.
Look, I don't trust people for shit. I've been stabbed in the back too many times to bother with that for most people, but out of everyone here there are two people I might consider trusting and one of them is you. Congratulations, you may have actually won the worst prize known to man. You're welcome and I'm sorry. But I... You deserve to know, okay? I told you that you wouldn't like me much at the end of things.
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...Well, I'm not just gonna scream to everyone here that you're a bio-terrorist. I'll be honest about how I feel, but--this is not a bomb I'm dropping on everyone. I don't think it'd bring the feeling of togetherness. Especially after...all this.
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But it's important to me for you to know.
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[ What makes her so different, or...something like that. ]
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[ WOW SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD MUCH??? ]
And...much bigger, and stronger... ...Smarter, that's for sure. Oh, no, I do sound like Rose.
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[That... Okay, today has been the worst but it actually does get him to laugh a bit, quietly, goddamn.]
If you want me to be blunt about the whole thing, Della, it's because when you've done this sort of shit for as long as I have, you get really used to seeing who's trying to help you and who's trying to sell you something. You have never once tried to sell me on the idea that you're anything other than what you are. Even when I don't agree with you, even when I don't like it or don't get it. You just do whatever it is you're going to do. It's consistent, and it's honest.
[...]
...Besides, maybe I just like you. Feelings are the worst.
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What can I say? What you see is what you get. [ She seems to take this as a compliment. ] At the end of the day...I guess I am pretty straightforward.
[ ... ]
I am pissed, okay? I'm not happy with...any of this. But I'm too... Maybe it makes me selfish, or bad, but... I'm too tired right now, not to take all the friends I can get.
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TODAY WAS A SHITSHOW AND HE HATES IT but at least he seems to be calming down, at least.]
Honestly, I think that's probably fair. And I didn't tell you this to make an enemy out of you, either.
...This whole thing's doing shit to my head. Has been since we got here.
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That's a broad way to put it. What kind of shit?
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